Lying to alot of people is a real hard thing to do. There are those of us that just could not morally lie if we even tried although no one is immuned to doing so.
The hurtful kind comes when we are in a relationship and the lying is "cheating". Since I have been affected by this type of relationship, I thought I would send out some of the warning signs of a cheater. Mind you, everyone is different and we need to use discernment when we take a look at a persons actions, but there ARE some real tell tale signs and I would love to spare you some of the heartache that I have had to endure.
Just to let you know one more thing about telling a lie. It is NOT acceptable behavior when someone lies to cover up an affair or attraction to someone else just to spare your feelings. This is the most horrible type of cheating lie because it causes the person affected by it to waste alot of precious time not even knowing it was happening.
Example: I recented dated someone for about a year and he told me during a question and answer session on the phone that he had cheated on his wife of 30 years after they had been married for 15 of those years while he was away working. He had an affair with a co-worker that included intimacy. When I asked him if he ever told his wife he said that he never had because it would have hurt her feelings. This man went on to stay with her another 15 years and she STILL does not know that he cheated on her! I think she might suspect, but it really would be nice to have the truth. That was red flag number one I should have really been paying attention to!
Hear me: "It is NOT ok to lie to someone about something as serious as cheating just to "save their feelings"! This is the hugest cop out and the weakest excuse I have ever heard!
Ok, now down to the business of discerning whether it is obvious someone is cheating either physically or an emotional affair. An emotional affair is still an affair. This is when there is conversation going on regarding your relationship along with other things with another person and the two become "quite close". In my mind there should never be "meetings after work" to discuss the private life of a relationship with a member of the opposite sex over drinks while the other party sits at home wondering why there is no call that night.
So, with some of that said I would like to add these signs of possible and often probable cheating so that you can discern if this is something you need to be concerned about.
1) Private meetings with the opposite sex over dinner or drinks and talk about your relationship are going on. You are not invited and although you may not be told about it, the time is not accountable so you know there is something going on.
2) Phone calls that can't be answered in your presense
3) This one might seem strange, but sudden interest and focus on new and romantic music that is listened to all the time and was not before. Songs that might remind the cheater of the feelings they have when having a fantacy about the person they are seeing behind your back.
4) Unaccountable time
5) Purchasing new clothing all of a sudden even when it is not needed and only wearing them when traveling or during certain times and you are not included in those times.
6) Overall disinterest in the relationship you have. Lots of pushing away and even blaming you for things that are not really a huge deal. Picking on simple and little things. Taking apart your relationship and over analyzing it without giving it time to blossom.
7) Cant seem to stick to the same story. There are way too many loop holes in the story told regarding situations and questions you might ask.
8) Lack of interest in sex with you
9) Sex life has changed, even ramped up and becomes "different" than you are used to.
10) The person expresses they need "space". This usually means that person is considering or thinking about someone else and needs to decide what to do or even just needs time to see that person or grow the fantacy of that person.
11) Changes in behavior that is out of the norm, like wanting to be more alone, not answering your calls until way later or messages until later.
12) Person states their feelings have changed for you and they need time to "think things over". This is just about as clear as a bell that there is something going one. YOU are the one who is blamed for the person's sudden disinterest even though you have no idea what you do that causes it.
13) The person finds ways to insult you , get you angry, persecute you and hurt your feelings so you will back away and give them space. This gives them a good excuse in their minds to cheat and it seems to be ok to them.
14) Control of your life while their life is free. Trying to keep you at bay so they can have time to be with someone else or dream and be infatuated with that person
15) Lack of commitment. Not showing signs of desire to follow through on moving forward into a deeper commitment such as living together, getting married,not showing up for important dates as in anniversaries.
16) Listening to you cry from the hurt and not even being sorry or trying to work things through but blaming you for your anger and tears. This is not only a sign of cheating but also a sign of emotional abuse and is unacceptable!
17) New interest in different clothing, cologne, shopping or spending time alone.
18) Being secretive about things or hiding things, making sure you don't infringe on their "privacy".
These are only some of the signs. I know there are more but I think these are a good start. I might even add some later on.
The relationship I was in for a year was very obviously with a man who is "attracted" to attraction. This is someone who loves the chase. They love the feeling of new love so much that once this person has dated with you for a bit, they will never commit further because it will be time to move on to the next emotional attraction. I found that he would find something wrong in many things in me and it was only really during the last three months. I broke it off many times and then gave it another chance. I regret that now because my heart paid a great price for doing so! People who don't care about our feelings when we are suffering inside are not those we need to stay connected to in relationship. These are very insecure people and they feel the need to hurt others to make them feel good about themselves. Unfortunately a lot of us suffer from them, but if we are aware ahead of time we can spare ourselves the agony of going through it again. When we back away, they often stalk us, watch our movement either on the internet or outside of it. I am very "public" and so it is easy to do this to me and watch someone become obsessed after the relationship is broken off. This shows a huge amount of insecurity and lack of maturity.
Sometimes insecure people will use money and take you out to impress you to get you hooked in and then use you for whatever suits their feelings only to finally get picked on alot and ultimately dumped.
I tell you the truth here: I almost went insane inside from always thinking it was ME that was the one who was not doing things right. That is how he made me feel. I found after searching my heart that this man is a very insecure being and needs to learn to grow up and heal those inner wounds before he moves on to others and runs a train wreck through their lives.
I was ready to make a commitment to this man I am speaking of. I sold most of my furniture, we were looking at housing and he never ever had the intention of ever moving toward a deeper commitment with me. My children suffered. They are mostly grown but they suffered none the less.
He put everyone's feelings above mine and when it came right down to it I believe I really meant nothing to this man EVER. He brought out the worst in me in the end and I never act the way I was acting. Yet, the Lord had shown me that sometimes anger is right and just. It is ok to be angry, to walk away, to say something is unacceptable and to vent and let out our feelings. If we don't do this we feel we will implode from the inside out.
Please be aware of situations like this when you get into relationships. If someone has cheated before then they will cheat again and most likely on you! If one person is dumped because of you, then you will eventually get dumped as well. It will hurt and I want to spare you of that.
Watch for signs before you get serious and be observant. Ask lots of questions and when the person gives you a round about answer, do not accept less.
You and I all deserve better than this. We deserve our hearts to be safe and taken care of. When we give our hearts away to another, I suggest to ask God first before doing so and wait for the answers. They will come, either in signs or just plain truth!
If you are the victim of someone else's affair and you need someone to talk to, please call me and I would be glad to talk, pray and walk with you through it. I will love you through it. It hurts. We are human. I was treated in ways I would not even treat my dog and over very little things. Now I live with a dream that will never be realized and a whole huge part of my home void of furniture because I will never go to that next level with this man.
I would love to pray for you and with you to help you forgive, heal, and work through your issues. It heals me to help YOU heal!
P.S buzy nowadays... this is not written by me... ^^
